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To PETA Pam: Let the Animals Toot!

by David Yeagley · June 5, 2008 · 11 Comments ·

Time out! Time out! Forget Hillary. Forget Obamer. Forget the Muslims!

Cattle and sheep are not allowed to pass gas in New Zealand! That’s right. Scientists are developing a “flatulence innoculation” for livestock. The world’s first anti-natural gas law is coming! Animals are being treated as less than human! This is cruelty to animals–beyond any precedent. Have animals no rights? Animals must toot! It’s only natural.


PETA Pam, Where are you?!

Where’s PETA Pam (Pamela Anderson) when you need her?! We know she’s preoccupied with enlarged breats (the Colonel’s chicken breasts, that is), but, this matter of animal toots must be made a top priority. Surely toots trump the breast. And this is a matter of life and death for the animal kingdom. If PETA Pam doesn’t intervene, we’re going to have exploding animals around the world–slaughtered before their time. Butchered by their own gas.

But scientists claim the animal gas accounts for 90% of the green house gas in New Zealand. Cattle and sheep are contributing to the ominous global warming conspiracy. They must be plugged–immediately.

Phil Goff, New Zealand’s trade minister, told an Organisation for Economic Co-Operation and Development (OECD) in Paris yesterday that a solution was in sight. “Our agricultural research organisation just last week was able to map the genome … that causes methane in ruminant animals and we believe we can vaccinate against” flatulent emissions, Mr Goff said.

And Pammie, we know you’re deeply into spiritual things, so, you must put in a bid to save the wil o’ the wisps of the world. You must save all the jack o’ lanterns. You know, they’re all methane, too. Swamp fire, or swamp light–it’s caused by subaqueous decomposition of vegetation. It’s pure methane. You must save the spirits, Pammie, as well as the animals’ right to toot.

Ah, well, liberals will drive you crazy if you let them. Maybe they’re really trying to give animals equal rights after all. Look at all the pills and meds we’ve developed to curb human gas. Shoudn’t we do the same for our beloved animals? Don’t they have a right to their pride? Shouldn’t they be allowed to have a romance without embarrassment? Can’t they be gas-free, too? What wonderous projection. What noble aggression–to go where no man has gone before. Gas free animals. Think of it.

On the other hand, gas free plant life is a bit of a stretch. I don’t know that Pammie’s deep veganism can help us with the jack o’ lanterns. We may have to say good-bye to spirituality altogether. With no spirits in the swamps, we’re left to wander in the dark complexities of politics and economics. Yeah. It’s all symbolic.

PETA Pam, we’re depending on you. Forget the plants for now. The animals are calling for you. This is your moment. The animals need you. Save the toots! The last thing we need in the world is Silence of the Lambs.

Posted by David Yeagley · June 5, 2008 · 12:53 pm CT · ·

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11 responses so far ↓

  • 1 MadPotter // Jun 5, 2008 at 2:34 pm   

    This article stinks to high heaven !! This is not revolutionary science; it’s just plain revolting!
    The fart NOT herd ’round the world.

    Where is PETA Pammy when you need her?

    The scientists in New Zealand are worried about cow and sheep farts. What if everyone in China (1+ billion people) all “passed gas” at once? Talk about global warming, sheesh! If these scientists are so concerned about global warming, they why haven’t they figured out how to capture the methane gas and turn it into a biodegradable alternative energy source for automobiles… gas from gas? Now there’s a potential cost effective solution to the “energy crisis”. It’s not a cow farm … it’s a fart factory, ooops I mean gas refinery!

    If Marie Antoinette was still alive today, she would surely say, “Let them eat grass, and pass gas too, but make it smell like roses!” followed by “Pass the mint jelly, please.”

    I guess the new commercials in New Zealand will be “Got Fart?”

  • 2 MadPotter // Jun 5, 2008 at 2:47 pm   

    If New Zealand does really have that much of a problem with methane gas emissions, then in the name of global safety, I think the UN should declare New Zealand a “Non-Smoking” zone; otherwise, the consequences could be explosive.

  • 3 David Yeagley // Jun 5, 2008 at 2:49 pm   

    And there’s the matter of fuel effiency. Many people of the world use cow poop as coal. Will an innoculated, gasless cow produce truly fuel efficient flops? We need some scientific data here.

    I did conceive of a lightly inflatable balloon device to be strapped to the rear ends of the sheep and cattle. The balloon would capture the gas emissions. When the balloon was full to capacity, it would rise upright, and from a distance, the rancher could tell it was time to harvest the gas.

    But this is all terribly complicated. Pammy will have to have high level consultants before she branches out to protect animal rights to pass gas.

    And, how shall the gas be marketed? Bovine Balloons: $5.95 per cubic foot?

    Now, your suggested of scented gas is impractical. The poop would still smell the same. Now, perhaps you could market a scented treatment of the oder. Something that you could spray immediately, and the natural gas would take on an attractive, marketable air, so to speak.

    Clearly, there needs to be some serious economic, marketing exploration here. The scientists of New Zealand are about to rob the world of great resource of hot air. That’s so unlike liberals! How self-destructive.

  • 4 David Yeagley // Jun 5, 2008 at 3:04 pm   

    I wonder how New Zealand looks from satellite?

    I think you’re right, there is a nuclear-type danger, but, “from a distance,” wouldn’t methane looke peaceful? After all, you can’t smell from outer space.

    Speaking of peace, what about geese for peace? Or, birds for turds? Do birds have flatulence? We all know they have a very chemically potent drop, which can eat right through the paint on our cars. Whatever is in their gut also eats through the shells of seeds and insects…

    We’re simply not relating to the animal world in an efficient way.

    Animal poop power. The missing element. The salvation of the world. A natural, saving gas.

  • 5 whitetrash // Jun 5, 2008 at 4:56 pm   

    And the differince between the gas that comes out of animals, and the gas that comes out of Hillary’s mouth is…. are you sure you really changed the subject?

  • 6 David Yeagley // Jun 5, 2008 at 9:16 pm   

    Well, I tried.

  • 7 John M. // Jun 6, 2008 at 2:55 pm   

    So what if cattle and sheep cut the mustard, all creatures who walk this God’s green earth including humans do it. Science should instead concerate on finding cures and treatments for diseases that are currently inflicting millions of people throughout the world instead of wasting time and resources on this nonsense.

  • 8 Layla // Jun 6, 2008 at 6:01 pm   

    All I know is the livestock never “tooted” like this until George Bush stole the Presidency…the North Pole wasn’t melting…Polar Bears were thriving…and carbon footprints were practically unheard of…What ever could have caused such a rapid and massive increase of “global warming” in such a short span of time???…Clearly, if one were willing to look at this matter objectively, the only rational source of contamination would be all the hot air emmanating from the endless ranting and raving mouths of every blabbering liberal on earth…I have no doubt our planet will regain atmospheric soundness once the environmental svengali George Bush retires to Crawford…hopefully these motormouths will then shut their methane feuled engines down…and we can all enjoy a breath of fresh air…

  • 9 "Greetings,my son!" // Jun 6, 2008 at 11:00 pm   

    Good Lord! — is it bloggers sweeps week or something?

  • 10 senor doeboy // Jun 7, 2008 at 11:37 am   

    I wonder what these global warming theorist would have to say about the vast herds of buffalo that use to roam the North American plains?

    A cork for each one of them?

  • 11 David Yeagley // Jun 7, 2008 at 9:05 pm   

    It is the nature of tyrannists to eliminate large portions of reality from their weltanschauung. This also creates grotesque inconsistency and contradiction in most historical applications.

    Furthermore, carbon dioxide, one of the top “greenhouse” gases is the life of vegetation! Carbon dioxide is NOT a problem! It is nature!

    Tyrannists usually maintain such fundamental errors in their theory of the world, or of society.

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