Time out! Time out! Forget Hillary. Forget Obamer. Forget the Muslims!
Cattle and sheep are not allowed to pass gas in New Zealand! That’s right. Scientists are developing a “flatulence innoculation” for livestock. The world’s first anti-natural gas law is coming! Animals are being treated as less than human! This is cruelty to animals–beyond any precedent. Have animals no rights? Animals must toot! It’s only natural.
PETA Pam, Where are you?!
Where’s PETA Pam (Pamela Anderson) when you need her?! We know she’s preoccupied with enlarged breats (the Colonel’s chicken breasts, that is), but, this matter of animal toots must be made a top priority. Surely toots trump the breast. And this is a matter of life and death for the animal kingdom. If PETA Pam doesn’t intervene, we’re going to have exploding animals around the world–slaughtered before their time. Butchered by their own gas.
But scientists claim the animal gas accounts for 90% of the green house gas in New Zealand. Cattle and sheep are contributing to the ominous global warming conspiracy. They must be plugged–immediately.
Phil Goff, New Zealand’s trade minister, told an Organisation for Economic Co-Operation and Development (OECD) in Paris yesterday that a solution was in sight. “Our agricultural research organisation just last week was able to map the genome … that causes methane in ruminant animals and we believe we can vaccinate against” flatulent emissions, Mr Goff said.
And Pammie, we know you’re deeply into spiritual things, so, you must put in a bid to save the wil o’ the wisps of the world. You must save all the jack o’ lanterns. You know, they’re all methane, too. Swamp fire, or swamp light–it’s caused by subaqueous decomposition of vegetation. It’s pure methane. You must save the spirits, Pammie, as well as the animals’ right to toot.
Ah, well, liberals will drive you crazy if you let them. Maybe they’re really trying to give animals equal rights after all. Look at all the pills and meds we’ve developed to curb human gas. Shoudn’t we do the same for our beloved animals? Don’t they have a right to their pride? Shouldn’t they be allowed to have a romance without embarrassment? Can’t they be gas-free, too? What wonderous projection. What noble aggression–to go where no man has gone before. Gas free animals. Think of it.
On the other hand, gas free plant life is a bit of a stretch. I don’t know that Pammie’s deep veganism can help us with the jack o’ lanterns. We may have to say good-bye to spirituality altogether. With no spirits in the swamps, we’re left to wander in the dark complexities of politics and economics. Yeah. It’s all symbolic.
PETA Pam, we’re depending on you. Forget the plants for now. The animals are calling for you. This is your moment. The animals need you. Save the toots! The last thing we need in the world is Silence of the Lambs.